Fish on Friday

Greetings, peace and love to all beings.

(also a special greeting to all my brothers and sisters from the Ukraine today. God bless you.)

I am back after spending an hour and a half with Kate Rothwell, my private art therapist.

I didnt do any art this morning and yet still a lot of work was done. 

We looked back over past work and how it has been evolving.   

I have moved in my artwork in that I dont have to spell it out now as my work speaks volumes.         

Kate wrote that my work is now very beautiful.

Now I sit back here in the flat. I can hear the ticking of the clock. Now I hear the little noise from the swing of the letter flap as something has been pushed through the door.

This made me ponder if my next dog could be a small well trained one. Perhaps a terrier, that could come in and go out as it pleased, with a flap, just slightly larger than a cat flap! This is not up for real consideration, perhaps just a distraction and so I will move swiftly on.

Or perhaps I should have wrote, `move swiftly back!` What is it I was wanting to move away from? I ought to be able to proclaim, that I am a wonderful loving human being and I want to be loved. Did I almost do it just then? It was sort of hidden, wasnt it.

Having my mother die when I was nearly three years old, was the start of a deep feeling of either that I couldnt be loved, or that I wasnt worth loving. That was reinforced by my father dying when I was fifteen. Or was I sixteen. Anyway, for sure he did die, even if I had one or two dreams afterwards, where he would appear and tell me that his death had been faked as all this time he had really been a secret service agent. Yep, typical teenage boys unconscious response to such tragedy. 

So after the years of approved school, borstal, prison and then Broadmoor Special hospital (Google that one, if you haven't heard of it!) For me to turn out as an honest hardworking caring guy, who married Tracy, a beautiful intelligent young legal secretary (who happened to suffer from clinical depression.) and end up working as a repairs officer for Hammersmith Council,was a good accomplishment in itself. Oh had it stayed at that then I would have probably had a good, but fairly average life. I am not the fairly average guy though, am I? Tracy killed herself and in doing so, accidentally gave me a brain injury. I had no idea what had occurred and was just so distraught and inconsolable when the police turned up and arrested me for her murder. Later this was changed to me being charged with and going on trial at the Old Bailey, for aiding and abetting her suicide. Thankfully I was found not guilty, but I didnt receive any apology from the police, or the public prosecution office! That doesnt stop me from doing unto others as I would have done unto me! So have long since forgiven them for their hurt and ignorance. Forgiving myself for not being able to save Tracy from suicide. This took a lot longer, as did dealing with feelings of guilt over not being a good enough husband and in fact even being unfaithful on one occasion.  "It is done", Jesus cried. He then died and later had a spear thrust in his side. That was my get out of jail free card. ( Used in the board game, Monopoly.)

Now it is a bright new day. Literally, the sun is shining here and I can say it is sunny Luton. 

With the LORD there is unfailing love and an overflowing supply of salvation.

Psalm 130:7

If we confess our sins to God, he is faithful and just to forgive us and to cleanse us from every wrong.

1 John 1:9

          

 Few cross the river of time and are able to reach NIRVANA (Heaven, for me.). Most of them run up and down only on this side of the river.

But those who when they know the law follow the path of the law, they shall reach the other shore and go beyond the realm of death.

Leaving behind the path of darkness and following the path of light, let the wise man leave his home life and go into a life of freedom. In solitude that few enjoy, let him find his joy supreme: free from possessions, free from desires, and free from whatever may darken his mind.

For he whose mind is well trained in the ways that lead to light, who surrenders the bondage of attachments and finds joy in his freedom from bondage, who free from the darkness of passions shines pure in a radiance of light, even in this mortal life he enjoys the immortal NIRVANA.

Buddha

I may not be quite there yet, but I can see the light and not only that, but can feel its warmth shining on me.

Peace and love to you all and pass it on all you are able. Your brother Peter.