#Good day from Maisy and me. Maisy is oblivious to my depression, God bless her. She is always here for me, no matter she is a pooch. Beggars cant be choosers whether for money or affection.

                                                                                 Good day from Maisy & me.

   Well my brothers and sisters and also those of you yet to realise our kinship from the singularity; I am here still to share my art and words from myself and others.  I was thinking earlier today how many people in the creative field suffer from depression, often avoiding the experience and crashing out from this world either literally like James Dean to name just one, or through drink and drugs. Stevie Smiths poem, `Not waving, but drowning` reminds me of a night nearly ten years ago now, when I was living/existing in the Philippines. My sons mother had as was often the case being typically unloving and uncaring in our marriage and so after midnight I went alone for a walk. I had been drinking beer and rum. I wouldnt say I had consumed a fair amount, more like an unfair amount, considering my wife didnt drink. As I swam out to sea not knowing if I would swim back, or would be to far out to do so even if I wanted to a thought came into my consciousness. How did I know that my two boys would not have a worse life if I died that night. If this would be the case, could I carry on swimming towards oblivion in the knowledge that turning back to shore could mean a better life for them? Obviously as I am here in England typing this, you know the answer.  

“That's the thing about depression: A human being can survive almost anything, as long as she sees the end in sight. But depression is so insidious, and it compounds daily, that it's impossible to ever see the end.” 
― Elizabeth Wurtzel, Prozac Nation

    These two are in the same manner as I have commented on further down. Bless you.

There is a bit in the painting above which reminds me of ice frosting and it seems incongruous with the red!

        These two, above and below are the wrong way up and I shall leave it to you to turn your heads.

“When you're surrounded by all these people, it can be lonelier than when you're by yourself. You can be in a huge crowd, but if you don't feel like you can trust anyone or talk to anybody, you feel like you're really alone.”
― Fiona Apple

“Do you not see how necessary a world of pains and troubles is to school an intelligence and make it a soul?”
― John Keats, Letters of John Keats

“The worst type of crying wasn't the kind everyone could see--the wailing on street corners, the tearing at clothes. No, the worst kind happened when your soul wept and no matter what you did, there was no way to comfort it. A section withered and became a scar on the part of your soul that survived. For people like me and Echo, our souls contained more scar tissue than life.”
― Katie McGarry, Pushing the Limits

“Mental pain is less dramatic than physical pain, but it is more common and also more hard to bear. The frequent attempt to conceal mental pain increases the burden: it is easier to say “My tooth is aching” than to say “My heart is broken.”
― C.S. Lewis, The Problem of Pain

“Its so hard to talk when you want to kill yourself. That's above and beyond everything else, and it's not a mental complaint-it's a physical thing, like it's physically hard to open your mouth and make the words come out. They don't come out smooth and in conjunction with your brain the way normal people's words do; they come out in chunks as if from a crushed-ice dispenser; you stumble on them as they gather behind your lower lip. So you just keep quiet.”
― Ned Vizzini, It's Kind of a Funny Story

Could I now sitting here and sharing this with you - me a brain injured artist and you more than likely a completer stranger to me - expect you to know how sometimes for me to paint is a life line. I find it hard to be motivated into doing housework and fondly look back to the six years I lived in the Philippines, in regards to having paid live in helpers to cook, wash up and wash cloths. Dust and sweep. Our longest live in helper was called Gaga, but that was her nickname and it seemed everyone had nicknames. Mine was Pedro, or Pedro Ducot. Not sure of the spelling, but do know that ducot was the hard rice that stuck to the bottom of the pan after boiling. It meant I think I was hard headed and not easy to budge. I prefer to think of the other think about that rice, which was it was and acquired taste which a few people liked that much, as to spend the time getting it out of the pan and into there mouths.;  

Did I (this is me, Peter (pedantic) Kimble saying/writing this, know my beloved wife Tracy, who suffered from clinical depression was going to take our bullmastiff Nester into our Landrover in the garage under our house and start it up. Well as they died I was asleep upstairs unknowing waiting for the gas to creep into the bedroom and nearly kill me also by carbon monoxide poisoning..
Unfortunately or not as the case may be, the effects let me with no recollection that I could be sure of anything surrounding the time.  I do remember how grieved I was again and again, each time I was told of the deaths, forgot and was told again.... Those were dark days in the coming..

“because wherever I sat—on the deck of a ship or at a street café in Paris or Bangkok—I would be sitting under the same glass bell jar, stewing in my own sour air.”
― Sylvia Plath, The Bell Jar

“It is not seen as insane when a fighter, under an attack that will inevitable lead to his death, chooses to take his own life first. In fact, this act has been encouraged for centuries, and is accepted even now as an honorable reason to do the deed. How is it any different when you are under attack by your own mind?”
― Emilie Autumn, The Asylum for Wayward Victorian Girls

“Why do you want to shut out of your life any uneasiness, any misery, any depression, since after all you don't know what work these conditions are doing inside you? Why do you want to persecute yourself with the question of where all this is coming from and where it is going? Since you know, after all, that you are in the midst of transitions and you wished for nothing so much as to change. If there is anything unhealthy in your reactions, just bear in mind that sickness is the means by which an organism frees itself from what is alien; so one must simply help it to be sick, to have its whole sickness and to break out with it, since that is the way it gets better.”

“And I felt like my heart had been so thoroughly and irreparably broken that there could be no real joy again, that at best there might eventually be a little contentment. Everyone wanted me to get help and rejoin life, pick up the pieces and move on, and I tried to, I wanted to, but I just had to lie in the mud with my arms wrapped around myself, eyes closed, grieving, until I didn’t have to anymore.”
― Anne Lamott, Operating Instructions: A Journal of My Son's First Year  Me and you Anne.

This following writing has brought a few cathartic tears to my eyes. Hopefully it will also be helpful to at least one of you.

“It is not seen as insane when a fighter, under an attack that will inevitable lead to his death, chooses to take his own life first. In fact, this act has been encouraged for centuries, and is accepted even now as an honorable reason to do the deed. How is it any different when you are under attack by your own mind?”
― Emilie Autumn, The Asylum for Wayward Victorian Girls

I include the following,not because I have any idea what it say, because I dont, but I trust in divine providence and believe it may be helpful to one person who blunders across this blog by accident. Yep, me and some of you know there really are no accidents. Most so called accidents are just physics doing what they should do and us oblivious to the rules.
  
“عادة ما أشعر انى خفيفة قادرة على ان أطير وأنا مستقرة فى مقعد أقرأ رواية ممتعة. حين أشعر بنفسى ثقيلة أعرف أنى على مشارف نوبة جديدة من الاكتئاب”
― رضوى عاشور, فرج

                                                                        FIN  (ps. to the person who commented and any others, your emails dont come up this end.. I would like to have a guest spot on the persons site/blog and if anyone else wants to contact me then please send emails to  petgkimb@gmail.com